Bloomwave Practice

Tag: Schema Therapy

  • The Healthy Adult Mode in Schema Therapy

    The Healthy Adult Mode in Schema Therapy

    What does it mean to be an adult? This is a question that I’m sure, most people grapple with at some point during their lives. Is it when you turn 18? Or 25? When you become financially independent, or maybe when you get married or graduate from university? According to some, it’s only when you have children of your own, or when your parents die.

    Okay, sure, maybe you feel like an adult in some areas of your life, but what does it actually mean to be a healthy adult? One answer is provided by the framework of schema therapy – a form of integrative therapy that helps people defeat ingrained patterns in their life, often stemming from their childhood.

    Schema therapy conceptualizes different ‘modes’ of functioning, some helpful, and some not so helpful, but the main mode it aims to strengthen is the healthy adult mode – a way of functioning that reflects true psychological maturity.

    The healthy adult mode is the part of you that can:

    • Regulate emotions without suppressing them
    • Set boundaries without feeling guilty
    • Take responsibility without hating yourself
    • Comfort yourself
    • Perform responsible adult activities: maintaining your health, athletic activities, pleasurable activities such as sex, working, parenting, etc.
    • Make balanced decisions that align with your values.

    On modes

    Modes in schema therapy are defined as temporary states that include emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, which stared in childhood. We all have modes that we tend to frequently switch into, and below you will find a list of different modes, and you can see what you recognize in yourself:

    Child modes

    These represent the raw emotions and unmet needs of your inner child.

    1. Vulnerable child mode – feels lonely, isolated, sad, misunderstood, unsupported, overwhelmed, incompetent, needy, helpless, hopeless, anxious.
    2. Angry/impulsive child mode – feels angry, enraged, cheated, because core needs are not met, or acts on impulses
    3. Happy child mode – feels loved, connected, playful, fulfilled.

    Critic/unhelpful parent modes

    These represent internalized critical voices based on criticisms or demands received in childhood from authority figures (parents, teachers, other family members)

    1. Demanding parent mode – perfectionism, impossibly high standards, strict rules, avoiding spontaneity or expressing emotions
    2. Punitive parent mode – internal criticism, punishment, berating oneself for perceived failures
    3. Guilt-inducing parent mode – believes you are responsible for others’ wellbeing, triggers shame, anxiety or guilt when you prioritize yourself or set boundaries

    Coping modes

    These represent maladaptive defensive strategies developed in childhood to avoid the pain of vulnerable child mode.

    1. Surrendering coping mode – acts submissively to others, puts own needs aside, people pleases, avoids conflict at all costs, tolerates poor treatment
    2. Avoidant coping mode – avoids, numbs or disconnects from emotions, self-soothes, distracts
    3. Overcompensating coping mode – fights feelings of inferiority by being grandiose, bullying or controlling others, aggressive

    And finally, the healthy adult mode, which will be the focus of this post.

    What is the healthy adult mode?

    You can think of the healthy adult mode as a ‘good internal parent’ in yourself, as it:

    • Nurtures and validates the vulnerable child mode
    • Sets limits for the angry/impulsive child mode
    • Neutralizes or moderates the critical parent modes
    • Combats and replaces the coping modes
    • Promotes and supports the happy child mode

    Basically, imagine how a good parent should act towards their child, and you will understand the healthy adult mode.

    Where does the healthy adult mode come from?

    Ideally, it would develop in childhood, through ‘good parenting’, or early experiences of secure attachment, emotional co-regulation and validation, healthy boundaries and limits, and consistent, predicable caregiving.

    However, many of us have not had these experiences, especially in cases of childhood abuse, neglect or trauma, but also unpredictability, bullying, invalidation or frequent criticism. In adulthood, this can show up as psychological disorders like depression, anxiety or personality disorders, or chronic patterns of perfectionism, harsh self-criticism, shame, emotional avoidance or suppression, relationship difficulties, or emotion regulation issues, for example.

    The healthy adult mode therefore often has to developed intentionally in adulthood: though therapy, self-compassion, and secure relationships. While this can be challenging, the good news is that it’s not impossible, especially if you keep at it. The brain has what we call neuroplasticity – the ability to reorganize itself with practice and time.

    What does the healthy adult mode look like in practice?

    The healthy adult is not always calm, hyper-disciplined, or completely ‘healed’. Instead, it’s flexible, reflective, and allows for nuance.

    For example:

    • Instead of: ‘I’m such a failure for not reaching this goal’ (punitive parent mode)
      It says: ‘I might not have reached this goal, but I still deserve support and kindness’
    • Instead of: ‘I need to drink to avoid this feeling’ (avoidant coping mode)
      It says: ‘This feels very bad, but I can survive it without drinking’
    • Instead of: ‘My partner is upset with me, and this means I’ve done something wrong’
      It says: ‘Disappointing others is a normal part of relationships, I’ll see what I can do to make amends but I am not responsible for their feelings’

    Why this matters

    Research consistently shows that psychological flexibility, emotional regulation, secure attachment and self-compassion are associated with good mental health outcomes. Therefore, strengthening the healthy adult mode can help with anxiety, depression, perfectionism, relationship issues, trauma recovery, and so much more. In addition, it reduces reliance on unhelpful coping strategies, such as substance use, binge eating, avoiding emotions, people-pleasing, or overworking, to name a few. The benefits are endless!

    How to strengthen the healthy adult mode

    1.  Learn to notice your modes

    The first step is awareness – most people just feel, and are not consciously aware when they shift into any of the unhelpful modes listed above. Start by educating yourself on this, and then, when you feel a negative emotion, try asking yourself:

    • What am I feeling right now?
    • What part of me is activated?
    • What does this part fear? What does it need?

    By simply observing your emotions nonjudgmentally, you can improve emotional regulation and decrease your reactivity in the moment (this is what mindfulness is all about).

    2. Practice self-compassion

    Many of us have inner dialogues that are so harsh we would never speak to another person that way (these are the critical parent modes!) The healthy adult challenges critical voices instead of automatically believing them.

    Try:

    • Imagining how you would speak to a good friend, and then applying this to yourself
    • Asking yourself: ‘Would I say this to someone I love?’
    • Practicing compassionate phrases through journaling, such as ‘It’s okay to make mistakes’, ‘I am doing the best I can right now’

    If you’re not used to this, self-compassion can feel like making excuses or shirking from accountability, but in reality, it does the opposite.

    3. Practice emotion regulation

    Emotion regulation does not mean suppressing your emotions, it simply helps you contain and express them safely. You’re not trying to stop feeling the feeling, you’re simply inviting more awareness.

    Emotion regulation techniques may involve:

    • Grounding and/or breathing exercises
    • Mindfulness or meditation
    • Movement
    • Journaling
    • Taking a break before acting impulsively

    Not all emotion regulation skills work for everyone, and that’s why it can also be helpful to seek therapy if you find your emotions are always all over the place.

    4. Practice balanced discipline

    Discipline is needed to help you reach your goals, and is an essential part of healthy adult functioning, but the key here is that you don’t use punishment, shame or self-criticism to get there.

    Instead, you work on consistency, structure and flexibility. This looks like:

    • Setting realistic goals and expectations
    • Making time for rest
    • Adapting goals based on your capacity or energy levels
    • Building sustainable routines and flexible schedules

    Learn what works for you, rather than trying to fight your brain and fit into a mold created by someone else.

    5. Build safe relationships

    The healthy adult develops in connection with others: we are social animals, after all, and no one can heal relational wounds on an island. Safe and secure relationships can help you way more than therapy and endless ‘focusing on yourself’. And this does not have to mean romantic relationships at all! It can look like focusing on your friendships of familial bonds, going to support groups or structured leisure activities, etc. The goal here is not to be dependent on others nor entirely independent, but develop healthy interdependence. You honor your own needs and boundaries, while respecting and taking others into account.

    Example activities to try that help get into healthy adult mode:

    • Learn something new
    • Exercise or play a sport
    • Take responsibility for something
    • Make a gratitude or positive experiences list
    • Help someone else
    • Organize or plan something
    • Cook a healthy meal or meal prep
    • Journal
    • Read a book
    • Work on your hobbies
    • Etc.

    So, what does it mean to be an adult?

    In reality, this has nothing to do with your age, financial stability, or parenthood status. Being a healthy adult does not mean you have to have your life together, or be a perfectly calm and regulated person in all situations. It’s about caring for yourself and others, experiencing your emotions without getting swallowed by them, and relating to the world in a balanced and compassionate way – being the parent you (maybe) never had.

    And it’s not a destination you can arrive it, but rather a lifelong practice.

    References

    Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context.

    Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself.

    Richo, D. (1991). How to be an adult in relationships.

    Taylor, C. D. J., et al. (2017). Schema therapy for personality disorders: A systematic review.

    Waters, E., et al. (2000). Attachment security in adulthood.

    Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide.

  • Why Therapy Works: The Key Ingredients

    With so many different therapeutic modalities, approaches and techniques out there, one can find themselves quite confused – which is best? What should I choose?

    The good news is that there is no right or wrong answer – research shows that what truly makes therapy work goes beyond methods and theories—it’s about hope, connection, and the strengths clients bring to the process.

    So, what makes therapy effective? And how can I get the most out of it?

    1. The Therapeutic Relationship (30%)

    One of the most critical factors in successful therapy is the therapeutic relationship—the connection between therapist and client. Research shows this accounts for about 30% of therapy’s effectiveness.

    This is why finding the right therapist for you is so important – what matters is that you feel safe, respected and understood.

    A strong therapeutic relationship is built on:

    • Trust – Feeling safe to open up without fear of judgment.
    • Empathy – Knowing your therapist truly understands and validates your experience.
    • Collaboration – Working together as a team to navigate challenges.

    Finding a therapist who makes you feel heard and supported is more important than choosing a specific technique. So, if you’re looking for English-speaking therapy in the Netherlands, prioritize connection over method.

    2. The Client’s Own Strengths & Resources (40%)

    The biggest factor in therapy success is YOU.

    Clients bring their own resilience, strengths, and life circumstances to the table, and these factors account for 40% of therapy’s success. No matter how skilled a therapist is, real change happens when clients engage with the process, apply insights to their daily lives, and use their own resources to grow.

    This is actually great news because it means you have more control over your healing journey than you might think. Therapy isn’t about a therapist “fixing” you—it’s about uncovering and strengthening the tools you already have.

    3. The Role of Therapeutic Techniques (15%)

    When looking for a therapist in the Netherlands or searching for the best therapy techniques, many people focus on approaches like CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Schema Therapy, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). These techniques matter, but they only account for about 15% of therapy’s success.

    Why? Because therapy isn’t one-size-fits-all. A skilled therapist adapts techniques to fit your needs, making therapy a personalized process. While CBT for anxiety or depression, or schema therapy for emotional regulation or stress management can be effective, what really matters is how well the approach aligns with the client’s unique situation.

    So if you’re searching for the most effective therapy, remember: it’s not just about the method—it’s about how it’s used in the right context.

    4. The Power of Expectation & Hope (15%)

    One of the most overlooked factors in therapy is simply believing that change is possible. Studies show that a client’s expectations—sometimes called the “placebo effect” or “expectancy effect” in therapy—play a huge role in success. If you walk into therapy with a sense of hope, you’re already increasing your chances of improvement.

    Simply put, when you believe that therapy can help, it increases your chances of seeing positive change. This isn’t just wishful thinking—it’s backed by psychology. When people enter therapy with hope for personal growth and expectations of improvement, they’re already setting themselves up for success.

    So if you’re considering therapy but feel skeptical, remember: being open to the process and allowing yourself to believe in change can significantly enhance your results.

    How to Get the Most Out of Therapy

    If you’re searching for how to make therapy work better or how to get the best results from therapy, here are a few tips:

    • Find a therapist you connect with. Whether you need online therapy in the Netherlands or in-person sessions, prioritize connection.
    • Be open to the process. Even if therapy feels uncomfortable at first, trust that growth happens in that discomfort.
    • Engage outside of sessions. The real work often happens between appointments—apply what you learn to daily life.
    • Give it time. Therapy isn’t an instant fix, but consistent effort leads to lasting change.

    Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, or life transitions, therapy offers the tools and support to help you navigate your journey. And this is exactly what we aim to offer at Bloomwave.

    References

    Hubble, M. A., Duncan, B. L., & Miller, S. D. (Eds.). (1999). The heart and soul of change: What works in therapy.

    Wampold, B. E., & Imel, Z. E. (2015). The great psychotherapy debate: The evidence for what makes psychotherapy work.