Bloomwave Practice

Tag: Expat

  • Asking for What You Need

    Asking for What You Need

    We all have different needs, and in an ideal world, we would get them met with ease, and feel no shame in accommodating ourselves. However, many of us have learned that having needs=being needy, from experiences in childhood with our caregivers, at school with teachers and peers, or from our first romantic relationships. This is especially true for neurodivergent people, and even more so if they were only diagnosed later in life.

    I am going to start with a personal anecdote – I recently was on vacation in a busy city, and while I was very happy to be there, I found myself getting quite overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people and noise that surrounded us. This is not news – I know I don’t deal well with noise and normally use noise-cancelling headphones when alone in these kinds of situations. However, since I was with a group of friends, I resisted getting them, for fear of seeming rude, antisocial, and even weak. However, as time went on, I found myself becoming more and more silent (and therefore, actually running the risk of seeming rude or antisocial!) as I got more and more overwhelmed. At some point, I decided to just wear the headphones, and it made my experience SO much better, and I was able to be present for my friends way better as well. But this got me thinking, why was it so difficult for me to make use of an accommodation that I know I need, with people who care about me and my wellbeing?

    The answer? Shame. And I want here to focus specifically on neurodivergent people.

    From a young age, many neurodivergent people are praised for “coping well” or “managing without help.” Over time, this creates deep shame around needing support at all (internalized ableism). And so you pretend you don’t need it. Psychologists call this masking—suppressing or compensating for neurodivergent traits to avoid social stigma. Masking is often protective, but it’s also exhausting. And when we hide our needs too long, burnout can follow.

    Therefore, asking for accommodations can feel risky, as you may fear that they are seen as special treatment, or you may be seen as lazy, difficult, or weak. However, let’s try to reframe accommodations as tools for access and self-knowledge, rather than privilege or special treatment.

    Here are a few examples:

    For ADHD: using noise-cancelling headphones, breaking tasks into smaller steps, or requesting clear written instructions.

    For autistic people: asking for predictable routines, avoiding sensory overload, or clarifying social expectations.

    In social life: asking friends to text instead of call, meeting in quieter places, or giving yourself permission to leave early.

    And here are a few practical tips:

    1. Name your needs clearly, even if just to yourself. Awareness is the first step to communication.
    2. Notice when you’re being too harsh on yourself and ask yourself: “Who’s standards am I trying to meet?”
    3. Practice asking for help in a safe environment – this could be with a specific person, such as a partner or close friend, or even in therapy.
    4. Start small – ask for one small accommodation and go from there.
    5. Connect with others – either online or in-person, seek out connection and community with other neurodivergent people. This will not only provide you with support, but also helps normalize asking for help. You can also brainstorm ways of asking for help with others.

    If you struggle with this, therapy can also help you identify the roots of shame and learn to treat your needs as legitimate. Several evidence-based approaches can be particularly effective:

    • Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) helps soften self-criticism and reframe shame as a universal human emotion rather than a personal flaw (Gilbert, 2010).
    • Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) focuses on living according to your values—even when fear or shame shows up (Hayes et al., 2012).
    • Internal Family Systems (IFS) or Schema Therapy can help uncover the “parts” of you that feel undeserving, lazy, or afraid of burdening others, and bring compassion to them.

    Therapy also provides a practice ground for asking for accommodations—a space to explore what it feels like to express needs without fear of judgement.

    In short, asking for what you need is not a weakness, even if it feels that way at first. Reasonable accommodations can help you enjoy your life a lot more and avoid burnout, and it’s worth learning effective communication about your needs!

    References

    Botha, M., & Frost, D. (2020). Autistic masking and the double empathy problem: Mental health and authenticity. Autism in Adulthood.

    Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society.

    Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion Focused Therapy: Distinctive Features. Routledge.

    Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change. Guilford Press.

  • Get into awe

    Get into awe

    Feeling stuck, disconnected, depressed? Unsure what you want from life, unfulfilled, but don’t know what to do about it?

    Let me ask you this: have you ever felt a sense of completeness, fulfilment or peace standing while looking at a beautiful sunset or at a concert, completely mesmerized by the sense of community along with the music you grew up with? Then, you have experienced awe. Awe as am emotion arises when we encounter something vast or ‘beyond us’ – think nature, collective gatherings, music, art, spiritual experiences, birth or death, or psychedelic experiences, for example. Awe makes you stop, wonder, and forget about yourself and your daily routine or annoyance for a second, and helps you see the bigger picture.

    There is research out there suggesting that experiencing awe can increase both our mental and physical wellbeing.

    A study by Monroy & Keltner (2022) proposed five pathways to how this works:

    1. Physiological changes – in simple terms, awe reduces the activation of our sympathetic nervous system (this means your fight or flight response), increases the production of oxytocin (the love hormone) and reduces signs of inflammation in the body.
    2. Reduced focus on yourself – feeling like you’re a part of something bigger rather then focusing on your imperfections
    3. Increase in prosocial behaviour – this means increased generosity and helping others, which make you feel much better, too!
    4. Increased feeling of connection with others – and this common humanity increases our empathy and helps us connect with our social environment.
    5. Increased sense of purpose or meaning in life – again, seeing the bigger picture!

    Awe experiences thus reduce anxiety, depression and stress – and promote optimism, resilience and a sense of connection and meaning in life – the antidote to disconnection! Additionally, a reduction in physical stress can lead to improved cardiovascular health and longevity.

    Of course, these experiences can be rare, especially in our fast-paced society – who’s got the time to slow down and really take in our surroundings? Well, I say – make time. For your own good, and for your loved ones and society at large.

    But how?

    1. Seek out awe experiences, big and small. Below is an example list of things to try:

    • Spend time in nature – This could mean taking a holiday, or simply going for a bike ride or walk near where you live. It can be especially powerful if you live in a big city, or where there aren’t a lot of opportunities for getting away (The Netherlands is great – but we do have a lack of forests!)
    • Go to a concert – Either with friends or by yourself, the experience of listening to your favorite music alongside others who feel the same way, can make you feel more connected to humanity, almost like a trance-like state.
    • Watch the sunrise or sunset on a beach – While this may require either getting up very early or going to bed late. the payoff is great.
    • Look at the starts and constellations at night – For night owls, or if you can’t sleep, this can help you feel more connected to the universe, and see yourself as just one amazing part of it.
    • Attend an art installation – Creativity elicits awe, and it might even awaken your own desire to create!
    • Listen to music loudly at night – Bonus points if it’s while you’re walking alone (as long as it’s safe, of course), or dancing in your room
    • Share, or listen to stories of great human achievement or kindness – With so much tragedy in the world, sometimes it’s nice to tune out of that and look on the other side.

    2. Practice mindfulness and being truly present in the moment – so you don’t miss out on everyday wonders!

    Awe is course only one piece of a very complicated puzzle. Improving your mental health is not straightforward and never one-size-fits all. In addition to increasing everyday wonder, you might also want to seek therapy and learn new skills. In addition, if you are very stuck or depressed, even the most beautiful of sunsets may fail to evoke the coveted feeling of awe. However, if you can, try it. It might just improve your outlook.

    References

    Monroy, M., & Keltner, D. (2023). Awe as a Pathway to Mental and Physical Health. Perspectives in Psychological Science.

  • Social Learning (And More!)

    Social Learning (And More!)

    I am going to tell you a personal story about food and ask you to bear with me – it’s relevant, I promise!

    Growing up in post-Soviet Estonia, I had a lot of experiences that I’ve found only fellow Eastern-Europeans can relate to, but one of the more trivial things I’ve been thinking about lately is just how little I knew about food – as something other than basic sustenance. My parents, bless them, grew up in conditions of lack and therefore, among other things, got used to a diet of potatoes and plain white rice. They both worked full-time throughout my childhood and found no joy in culinary endeavors. What’s more, anything new and exciting was regarded as suspicious, or even dangerous.

    And that is how I found myself the subject of many strange looks from roommates when they watched me eat plain pasta during my studies, how I learned that a salad can actually include a dressing and need not be a simple concoction of cucumber and tomatoes. All at the ripe age of 20-25!

    What was going on here? Social learning.

    I had not been exposed to much, so I simply was unaware of what else is out there. Additionally, from a young age, I learned that any new foods are not to be trusted. So, at the start of my adult life, I followed the same principles. That, along with the fact that like my parents, I derived no joy from cooking, left me eating a pretty sad ‘white girl’ diet, devoid of any spice, splash, or joy.

    Social learning, however, also took me to the other side. I’ve had the joy of meeting people passionate about food, of meeting people from different cultures who introduced me to their cuisine, of finally learning to cook for myself. And my god, what I was missing out on! It turns out that I’m not even a picky eater in the slightest.

    I tell this story as it is a great illustrator of several important concepts in therapy, and in life. Through no fault of our own, we not only have preferences, but also biases and learned ways of behaving.

    1. Your upbringing plays an incredibly major role in who you become. In my example, the problem wasn’t just that I was not exposed to other cuisines, it was also that anything different was actively shunned. Food is quite innocuous, of course, but what if you’re shamed for how you look or how you act? What if you learn harmful behaviours, such as aggression or emotional suppression? And even further, what if you learn harmful beliefs about others in a racist, sexist or homophobic home, for example?
    2. The good news is that what’s learned can be unlearned – and if your beliefs are actively harming you, others, or groups of people, I might even argue that it is your responsibility to unlearn them. For me, it took some time, but thanks to the right social conditions (friends with culinary talent) and encouragement, I got over my fear of anything spicy or joyful. While it is true that I am still not am amazing cook, I am now willing to think outside the box. Similarly, one can unlearn
    3. For this unlearning to take place, you need to be able to get out of your comfort zone. I was fine eating plain pasta and unseasoned chicken breast. Comfortable. But seeing now, what all would I have missed out on had I not dared to try. Growth is always uncomfortable, and whether it’s adding a singular red pepper to your food (scandalous!) or unlearning deep-seated beliefs about yourself and the world, it’s always worth it.

    I am going to leave you with a well-known example.

    Steve has learned to hide his emotions and always seem strong from an early age, mostly due to societal conditioning and ideas about masculinity. He therefore, after experiencing a traumatic event, is less likely to seek therapy and views it as something that is meant for people who have ‘something wrong with them’. However, Steve meets a new group of friends during his studies, many of whom are male and go to therapy, and encourage him to do so as well. He becomes interested, and contacts a therapist. Even though he is very sceptical, he decides to give it a try for at least 4 sessions. It takes him a while to warm up, but luckily the therapist is very encouraging and takes their time, and slowly Steve finds the experience more and more helpful, and is glad he took the first step And this is exactly how different social norms and a skilled therapist helped Steve get over his fear of going to therapy, and he is now even beginning to question other societal messages of what a ‘masculine man’ should look like.

    Generation preferences, biases and trauma are deep-rooted, but can be unlearned, to great benefits. And therapy is a wonderful place to explore that, whether you’re looking to learn to eat different foods, or working though some serious problems, support is always available.

  • Cultural Lens of the Therapist

    The cultural lens refers to the way a therapist’s own cultural background, values, and lived experiences influence their perspective on mental health, relationships, and emotional well-being. No one operates in a vacuum—both therapists and clients bring their unique cultural identities, beliefs, and biases into the therapeutic space.

    When these factors align well, therapy can be a transformative and deeply validating experience. When they don’t, misunderstandings can occur that impact the therapeutic relationship and treatment outcomes. While of course, your therapist does not need to share your cultural background, it might help if they do, and if you’re lucky enough to find one, it can be a better experience than, for example, speaking to someone who has no personal experience with it. However, this is not always possible, which is why finding a culturally competent therapist is so important, someone who is aware of and adapting to your specific needs.

    This lens affects:

    ✔ How mental health symptoms are understood (e.g., is distress framed as an individual issue, a relational problem, or a societal challenge?)
    ✔ How emotions and coping strategies are perceived (e.g., is crying seen as a healthy release, or a sign of dysfunction?)
    ✔ What is considered “healthy” or “normal” in different cultural and psychological contexts
    ✔ How therapy techniques are applied (e.g., an emphasis on self-exploration vs. practical solutions)

    A self-aware therapist acknowledges their own cultural lens and how it might shape their biases and therapeutic approach. They are able to adjust their framework to better understand and support their clients’ unique experiences rather than imposing their own perspectives onto the client.

    Why This Matters

    🔹 Alignment of values can enhance connection. If a therapist and client share similar values or life experiences, it can create a natural sense of trust and understanding.

    🔹 Unexamined biases can create disconnect. If a therapist unconsciously views a client’s way of thinking or coping as “wrong” based on their own worldview, the client may not feel heard.

    🔹 Cultural self-awareness improves adaptability. A therapist who is aware of their own assumptions and biases can be more flexible and responsive to clients with different perspectives.

    Common Cultural Gaps in Therapy (And How to Bridge Them)

    Sometimes, therapists and clients come from very different cultural or psychological perspectives, which can create misunderstandings. Below are some common cultural gaps and ways therapists can bridge them.

    1. Different Views on Emotional Expression

    In Western psychology, verbalizing emotions is often seen as healing, but in some cultures, keeping emotions private is a sign of strength. A therapist needs to therefore recognize when emotional expression is helpful and when it is uncomfortable for a client.

    🔹 Bridge the gap: Instead of assuming clients should “open up” in a certain way, therapists can explore different methods of expression, such as journaling, creative arts, or mindfulness practices.

    2. Individual vs. Collective Worldview

    Some clients (especially from Western cultures) prioritize self-exploration, independence, and personal growth. Others (from collectivist cultures) may prioritize family, community, and social harmony over individual needs. A therapist unfamiliar with these values might push for “self-discovery” when the client actually wants guidance on navigating relationships and responsibilities.

    🔹 Bridge the gap: Therapists can explore how clients define well-being and adjust interventions accordingly, rather than applying a one-size-fits-all approach.

    3. Stigma Around Therapy

    In some cultures, seeking therapy may be seen as a last resort for severe illness, rather than a proactive step toward well-being. Some clients may therefore feel hesitant or guilty about seeking support.

    🔹 Bridge the gap: A therapist can normalize therapy by framing it as a strength-based process and emphasizing its role in personal growth, stress management, and resilience-building.

    Finding a Culturally Competent Therapist

    If you’re seeking therapy, consider:

    ✅ Does this therapist understand my background and values?
    ✅ Do they seem open to different ways of thinking and healing?
    ✅ Are they self-aware about their own perspective and potential biases?
    ✅ Do I feel seen, respected, and understood in our sessions?

    Therapists don’t have to share your exact identity or experiences to be effective—but they do need to be culturally aware, adaptable, and committed to understanding your perspective.

    So, if you’re looking for a psychologist in The Netherlands who emphasizes cultural humility and an individualized approach—Bloomwave has you covered. Whether you’re dealing with symptoms of depression, anxiety, overwhelm or conflict in your relationships, help is available.

  • Why Expats Benefit from Therapy

    Why Expats Benefit from Therapy

    So you made the courageous decision to move abroad – packed up your life and found yourself in a completely new situation. Living as an expat, or immigrant, in the Netherlands can be an incredibly enriching and rewarding experience, especially in beautiful student cities like Leiden or Delft, but it also brings a new set of unique challenges that many expats may find difficult to navigate. You might struggle with the language barrier, miss friends and family back home, or find it difficult to adjust to the Dutch way of living. Therapy can provide essential mental health support to help you bloom in your new home.

    Especially if your move is permanent (or just more longer-term), you may grapple with the ramifications of leaving behind your old life, friends and family. Parents and grandparents get older, children in the family grow up, and this is something you no longer can witness as closely as you used to be. You might feel torn: on one hand, you really want to focus on building a new life and future for yourself in your new environment, and on the other hand, really miss what you left behind, and feel the desire to be close to family as they age. All of this is very complicated, and feeling alone in the dilemmas can easily become overwhelming.

    Here are five reasons why therapy can be invaluable for expats:

    1. Navigating cultural adjustment

    Moving abroad often means having to adjust to different social and cultural expectations, language barriers, and even the weather. You may find that people in the Netherlands are a bit more direct than you’re used to or struggle with finding housing or arranging healthcare, for example. These frustrations may snowball into feelings of depression, anxiety or loneliness. This is where a culturally-informed English-speaking therapist can come in to help. At Bloomwave, we know first-hand what’s it like to be an expat in the Netherlands, and have experience in navigating many of the practical challenges you may be facing as well.

    2. Managing loneliness

    Becoming an expat of course means leaving your old support system of friends, family and other loved ones behind, and being faced with the task of forming a new social network and keeping long-distance relationships alive. Loneliness is one of the most common mental health problems among expats, and especially in the Netherlands, you may find it difficult to integrate into already-formed Dutch social systems. Therapy can help you work through these feelings of isolation and learn new ways of coping with them. Additionally, therapy helps you improve your communication and relationship skills that are invaluable in finding community abroad, but also in strengthening your relationships with people back home.

    3. Exploring your identity

    Moving abroad might also challenge your identity in both positive and negative ways – you may start to question old values or develop new beliefs. You may not feel like you’re from anywhere, for example, and this leads to a lot of confusion. At Bloomwave, we believe in the power of therapy in really helping you understand yourself and what it is you want out of life. Through various methods, such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, we can help you make sense of your new identity and empowers you to live more fully.

    4. Addressing mental health stigma

    For many expats, seeking therapy can feel like stepping into uncharted territory, particularly if they come from cultures where mental health support is stigmatized. The Netherlands, however, offers a progressive and inclusive environment where therapy is widely accepted and accessible.

    At Bloomwave, we’re dedicated to creating a welcoming, nonjudgmental space where you feel safe to explore and grow. Our intersectional, anti-racist, anti-ableist, and LGBTQ+ affirming approach ensures that therapy is tailored to your needs and values. We can even address internalized stigma and help you normalize seeking support during our sessions.

    5. Coping with work or study stress

    On top of navigating new cultural environments, expats in the Netherlands often experience higher levels of work or study stress. Balancing studies with personal life may often lead to feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. Likewise, adapting to a new job and work culture, or dealing with career insecurity is a common challenge for expats. If unmanaged, these issues can lead to burnout. In therapy, you can work on adjustment to new challenges, building routines that work for you on an individual level and learning new stress management techniques.

    Becoming an expat is a challenging experience – you should not have to face this alone. Through therapy, you can learn valuable skills to make the most of your life in the Netherlands and turn your challenges into success stories.

    References

    Platanitis, P. (2018). Expatriates emotional challenges and coping strategies: A qualitative study

    Djundeva, M., & Ellwardt, L. (2020). Social support networks and loneliness of Polish migrants in the Netherlands