I am going to start with a personal anecdote – I recently was on vacation in a busy city, and while I was very happy to be there, I found myself getting quite overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people and noise that surrounded us. This is not news – I know I don’t deal well with noise and normally use noise-cancelling headphones when alone in these kinds of situations. However, since I was with a group of friends, I resisted getting them, for fear of seeming rude, antisocial, and even weak. However, as time went on, I found myself becoming more and more silent (and therefore, actually running the risk of seeming rude or antisocial!) as I got more and more overwhelmed. At some point, I decided to just wear the headphones, and it made my experience SO much better, and I was able to be present for my friends way better as well. But this got me thinking, why was it so difficult for me to make use of an accommodation that I know I need, with people who care about me and my wellbeing?
The answer? Shame. And I want here to focus specifically on neurodivergent people.
From a young age, many neurodivergent people are praised for “coping well” or “managing without help.” Over time, this creates deep shame around needing support at all (internalized ableism). And so you pretend you don’t need it. Psychologists call this masking—suppressing or compensating for neurodivergent traits to avoid social stigma. Masking is often protective, but it’s also exhausting. And when we hide our needs too long, burnout can follow.
Therefore, asking for accommodations can feel risky, as you may fear that they are seen as special treatment, or you may be seen as lazy, difficult, or weak. However, let’s try to reframe accommodations as tools for access and self-knowledge, rather than privilege or special treatment.
Here are a few examples:
For ADHD: using noise-cancelling headphones, breaking tasks into smaller steps, or requesting clear written instructions.
For autistic people: asking for predictable routines, avoiding sensory overload, or clarifying social expectations.
In social life: asking friends to text instead of call, meeting in quieter places, or giving yourself permission to leave early.
And here are a few practical tips:
- Name your needs clearly, even if just to yourself. Awareness is the first step to communication.
- Notice when you’re being too harsh on yourself and ask yourself: “Who’s standards am I trying to meet?”
- Practice asking for help in a safe environment – this could be with a specific person, such as a partner or close friend, or even in therapy.
- Start small – ask for one small accommodation and go from there.
- Connect with others – either online or in-person, seek out connection and community with other neurodivergent people. This will not only provide you with support, but also helps normalize asking for help. You can also brainstorm ways of asking for help with others.
If you struggle with this, therapy can also help you identify the roots of shame and learn to treat your needs as legitimate. Several evidence-based approaches can be particularly effective:
- Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) helps soften self-criticism and reframe shame as a universal human emotion rather than a personal flaw (Gilbert, 2010).
- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) focuses on living according to your values—even when fear or shame shows up (Hayes et al., 2012).
- Internal Family Systems (IFS) or Schema Therapy can help uncover the “parts” of you that feel undeserving, lazy, or afraid of burdening others, and bring compassion to them.
Therapy also provides a practice ground for asking for accommodations—a space to explore what it feels like to express needs without fear of judgement.
In short, asking for what you need is not a weakness, even if it feels that way at first. Reasonable accommodations can help you enjoy your life a lot more and avoid burnout, and it’s worth learning effective communication about your needs!
References
Botha, M., & Frost, D. (2020). Autistic masking and the double empathy problem: Mental health and authenticity. Autism in Adulthood.
Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society.
Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion Focused Therapy: Distinctive Features. Routledge.
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change. Guilford Press.