I am going to tell you a personal story about food and ask you to bear with me – it’s relevant, I promise!
Growing up in post-Soviet Estonia, I had a lot of experiences that I’ve found only fellow Eastern-Europeans can relate to, but one of the more trivial things I’ve been thinking about lately is just how little I knew about food – as something other than basic sustenance. My parents, bless them, grew up in conditions of lack and therefore, among other things, got used to a diet of potatoes and plain white rice. They both worked full-time throughout my childhood and found no joy in culinary endeavors. What’s more, anything new and exciting was regarded as suspicious, or even dangerous.
And that is how I found myself the subject of many strange looks from roommates when they watched me eat plain pasta during my studies, how I learned that a salad can actually include a dressing and need not be a simple concoction of cucumber and tomatoes. All at the ripe age of 20-25!
What was going on here? Social learning. I had not been exposed to much, so I simply was unaware of what else is out there. Additionally, from a young age, I learned that any new foods are not to be trusted. So, at the start of my adult life, I followed the same principles. That, along with the fact that like my parents, I derived no joy from cooking, left me eating a pretty sad ‘white girl’ diet, devoid of any spice, splash, or joy.
Social learning, however, also took me to the other side. I’ve had the joy of meeting people passionate about food, of meeting people from different cultures who introduced me to their cuisine, of finally learning to cook for myself. And my god, what I was missing out on! It turns out that I’m not even a picky eater in the slightest.
I tell this story as it is a great illustrator of several important concepts in therapy, and in life. Through no fault of our own, we not only have preferences, but also biases and learned ways of behaving.
- Your upbringing plays an incredibly major role in who you become. In my example, the problem wasn’t just that I was not exposed to other cuisines, it was also that anything different was actively shunned. Food is quite innocuous, of course, but what if you’re shamed for how you look or how you act? What if you learn harmful behaviours, such as aggression or emotional suppression? And even further, what if you learn harmful beliefs about others in a racist, sexist or homophobic home, for example?
- The good news is that what’s learned can be unlearned – and if your beliefs are actively harming you, others, or groups of people, I might even argue that it is your responsibility to unlearn them. For me, it took some time, but thanks to the right social conditions (friends with culinary talent) and encouragement, I got over my fear of anything spicy or joyful. While it is true that I am still not am amazing cook, I am now willing to think outside the box. Similarly, one can unlearn
- For this unlearning to take place, you need to be able to get out of your comfort zone. I was fine eating plain pasta and unseasoned chicken breast. Comfortable. But seeing now, what all would I have missed out on had I not dared to try. Growth is always uncomfortable, and whether it’s adding a singular red pepper to your food (scandalous!) or unlearning deep-seated beliefs about yourself and the world, it’s always worth it.
I am going to leave you with a well-known example. Steve has learned to hide his emotions and always seem strong from an early age, mostly due to societal conditioning and ideas about masculinity. He therefore, after experiencing a traumatic event, is less likely to seek therapy and views it as something that is meant for people who have ‘something wrong with them’. However, Steve meets a new group of friends during his studies, many of whom are male and go to therapy, and encourage him to do so as well. He becomes interested, and contacts a therapist. Even though he is very sceptical, he decides to give it a try for at least 4 sessions. It takes him a while to warm up, but luckily the therapist is very encouraging and takes their time, and slowly Steve finds the experience more and more helpful, and is glad he took the first step And this is exactly how different social norms and a skilled therapist helped Steve get over his fear of going to therapy, and he is now even beginning to question other societal messages of what a ‘masculine man’ should look like.
Generation preferences, biases and trauma are deep-rooted, but can be unlearned, to great benefits. And therapy is a wonderful place to explore that, whether you’re looking to learn to eat different foods, or working though some serious problems, support is always available.