Bloomwave Practice

Tag: Therapy

  • Why social support matters in chronic pain

    Why social support matters in chronic pain

    When people who’ve never experienced it think of chronic pain, they tend to only consider the most obvious symptom – pain. However, it usually comes with a whole host of other non-pain related issues, such as fatigue, brain fog, sensory issues and insomnia, as well as psychological symptoms such as depression or anxiety. What’s more, people with chronic pain have to deal with way more practical and administrative tasks than the average person: making and going to various appointments, taking medication, remembering to order medication, etc. They may face discrimination at the workplace, struggle to advocate for themselves in medical settings, and feel misunderstood and dismissed in social interactions when their loved ones just don’t seem to get it.

    Therefore, it affects everything: the way you think, the way you feel, how you relate to others and how connected or disconnected you feel from the world around you. If you live with chronic pain, be it migraines, back pain, fibromyalgia, endometriosis or something else, you may notice the following cycle:

    • The worse the pain gets the more you withdraw
    • The more you withdraw, the more isolated you become, and everything feels harder

    Indeed, research shows that mental health and social support play an important role in how we experience and cope with pain.

    Chronic pain is more than physical

    Chronic pain conditions are quite common, and often disabling. At the same time, they are frequently associated with psychological factors like stress, anxiety and depression.

    This is where the biopsychosocial model comes in, which in simple terms means that the pain, and the experience of pain, is shaped by biological, psychological and social factors.

    Taking chronic migraine as an example:

    1. Biological factors might be: genetics, hormones (menstrual cycle), or an injury, such as a concussion
    2. Psychological factors might be: high levels of stress, anxiety disorder or avoidant coping style
    3. Social factors might be: loneliness, discrimination or work environment

    The hidden link: pain and loneliness

    One of the most important, yet often overlooked, factors influencing the experience of chronic pain is perceived social isolation. That means feeling alone, even if you are not necessarily actually alone. You can have friends and/or a partner and be part of a larger community, yet still feel misunderstood and lonely. Subjective loneliness is strongly linked to worse outcomes in both physical and mental health, so it really matters, if we try to look at chronic pain treatment from a holistic lens.

    How isolation makes pain worse

    Loneliness and chronic pain can cause a vicious cycle: you have to cancel plans due to pain, then become more isolated, which further intensifies pain. There are several ways in which loneliness can worsen pain and its experience:

    1. Increased stress = increased pain

    Isolation is a stressor, and one that is not to be underestimated. Increased stress levels increase the activity of the body’s stress system (the HPA axis), which can actually increase your sensitivity to pain. This is not just ‘in your head’, but a legitimate increase in your pain levels.

    2. The brain processes social and physical pain in a similar way

    Research has shown that social pain (like rejection or loneliness) and physical pain share overlapping brain pathways. So, when you feel socially disconnected, your brain may literally process it in a similar way to physical pain.

    3. Decreased ability to use social support, even when it’s available

    When you feel isolated, your perception of others may become more negative:

    • You may come to expect rejection and stop trying to connect as a result
    • You may withdraw entirely and reject others yourself
    • You may struggle to accept help

    This creates a cycle where support becomes less accessible, even if in theory it’s there.

    Chronic pain can feel even more isolating if you’re:

    • An expat or immigrant
    • Living far away from ‘your people’
    • Already feeling a bit out of place or navigating identity questions about queerness or neurodivergence

    In these cases, it might be even more difficult to feel understood or explain your experience to others.

    The good news: why social support helps

    The flip side of the coin is that social support can act as a buffer, improving your overall quality of life. Social support includes, bit is not limited to:

    • Emotional support: listening, understanding
    • Practical support: help with daily tasks
    • A sense of belonging: being embedded in a community

    And research shows that chronic pain patients who perceive more social support report less intense pain, cope better psychologically, and are less stressed.

    Support groups: do they actually help?

    Research suggests that they do. However, there are also potential drawbacks, so you will need to evaluate for yourself if a support group might be right for you, and do some digging into what is available near you or online. As a rule of thumb, support groups that include both professional guidance and peer-led sessions tend to be the most effective.

    Benefits:

    • Validation and understanding: you get to talk to people who share a similar experience
    • Decreased social isolation
    • Improved coping skills: sharing of both practical and psychological tips to help you cope better
    • Improved functioning in daily life (including decreased reliance on healthcare professionals)

    Potential drawbacks:

    • Focus on negative outcomes: shared validation may turn into dwelling on symptoms and hopelessness
    • Accessibility issues: especially when it comes to in-person meetings, pain may serve as a barrier to access
    • Potential for misinformation and varied group quality: groups that are not led by a professional may spread misinformation. Different groups also vary widely in quality.

    Practical ways to support yourself

    Chronic pain is very difficult to deal with, and social support will not fix all your problems. However, if possible, making small steps toward a more satisfying social life can help you get a bit more joy out of your life.

    1. Focus on quality, not quantity

    Rather than trying to hold together a large social network, try to focus on meaningful connections. Ask yourself: “Who is there for me no matter what?” “Where do I feel understood, if only slightly”. Pour your limited energy into people who truly matter.

    2. Reduce isolation gradually

    Don’t try to overhaul your social life completely, as it can lead to exhaustion and burnout, which can further lead to complete withdrawal later on. Instead, try meeting someone for a quick coffee or message a friend instead of meeting up. Try to let people in, even if just a little. Others can’t understand if you don’t open up.

    3. Notice patterns around your withdrawal

    Do you tend to isolate when you’re in pain, or is there something else going on as well? Maybe it happens when life gets busy, or after experiences of rejection, perceived or otherwise. Try to keep track of it, and make a plan for what to do is you notice yourself isolating again.

    4. Consider more structured support

    If you find it difficult to connect with the people around you, or are simply looking for more understanding, consider joining a support group, starting therapy (ideally with a therapist with experience with clients who suffer from chronic pain), or seeking connection on community spaces. The structure might provide some routine into your life, and is an intentional way to increase your sense of belonging.

    One thing is clear – chronic pain is complex, it does not have a single cause, just like there is no single solution. The journey can certainly feel hopeless at times, especially if you’ve been struggling for a long time. However, we know that feeling alone can make things worse, and if there are ways you can improve your social connection, even slightly, you might improve how you’re feeling, even if it’s not a big miracle cure.

    References

    De Heer, E. W., et al. (2018). The association of depression and anxiety with pain: A study from NESDA.

    DeVries, A. C., et al. (2003). Social modulation of stress responses.

    Dresler, T., et al. (2019). Understanding the nature of psychiatric comorbidity in migraine: A systematic review.

    Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2004). Why rejection hurts: A common neural alarm system for physical and social pain.

    Finan, P. H., et al. (2010). Daily affect relations in fibromyalgia patients reveal positive affect buffering effects.

    Hogan, B. E., et al. (2002). Social support interventions: Do they work?

    Lopez-Martinez, A. E., et al. (2008). Perceived social support and coping in chronic pain.

    Rzeszutek, M., et al. (2016). Social support and coping strategies in chronic pain patients.

    Subramaniam, K., et al. (1999). Peer support groups in chronic pain management.

  • Gender differences in autism

    Gender differences in autism

    If you’ve been on social media lately, you may have come across more and more people talking about autism and how it affects them.

    Autism spectrum disorder is a neurodevelopmental condition (meaning it starts in childhood) that affects how people communicate and socialize with each other and how they perceive and interact with the world around them.

    Traditionally, autism has been defined by:

    • Difficulties in social interaction and sharing emotions (such as missing social cues or trouble relating to peers)
    • Challenges with nonverbal communication (including facial expressions and eye contact)
    • Restricted or repetitive behaviors or interests (the so-called special interests)

    This is what we often think of when we hear the word autism. And if I asked you to imagine an autistic person, how many of you would imagine them to be male?

    Autism exists on a spectrum, meaning it can look very different from one person to another. More severe cases are usually diagnosed early, while those on the milder end of the spectrum might be missed by the healthcare system. What’s more, it can look very different in women than in men, and it is diagnosed about 4 times as often in males then in females.

    However, many researchers believe the disorder is not actually more common in men, it’s just that the its female presentation is different, and therefore under-diagnosed.

    This post aims to explore the reasons behind this, and ends with what you can do if you suspect you might have autism.

    Genuine gender differences

    First, let’s take a look at reasons why autism may actually be less common in women. These reasons are still being studied, but several hypotheses exist:

    1. Biology and genetics – The ‘Female Protective Effect’ theory posits that women may require a higher level of genetic risk for autistic traits to be expressed.
    2. Hormonal differences – Some research links prenatal testosterone levels to autistic traits. This has led to the theory that autism may represent an “extreme” version of certain cognitive patterns more commonly associated with males.
    3. Brain connectivity differences – There is also evidence that differences in brain connectivity patterns may play a role.

    How autism can look different in women

    1. Social motivation: wanting connection

    One key difference is that autistic women often show higher social motivation than autistic men. This is partially due to socialization, as female children are often encouraged to play more with others, and their activities in general tend to be more community-based.

    This means that:

    • They may want friendships and connection
    • They may put significant effort into fitting in
    • They may appear more socially engaged on the surface

    Because of this, their social difficulties can be less obvious to others, even though they are very much present.

    2. Different types of interests

    Autistic traits are often identified through “special interests.” But what counts as noticeable can be biased. Autistic men may have interests in topics like technology, systems, or mechanics, while autistic women often have interests that appear more socially typical, such as:

    • Animals
    • Books or fictional characters
    • Psychology or relationships

    The difference is not in intensity, but in how socially acceptable the interest appears. This can lead to girls being overlooked.

    3. Internalizing vs. externalizing

    Autistic women are more likely to experience internalizing difficulties, such as:

    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Eating disorders
    • Self-harm

    These struggles are often less visible than external behaviours (like aggression or hyperactivity), which are more commonly seen in boys and more likely to trigger assessment.

    As a result, many women are first diagnosed with anxiety or depression, while autism remains unrecognized.

    The role of masking

    One of the most important concepts in understanding gender differences in autism is masking. Masking refers to consciously or unconsciously:

    • Copying social behaviors (by observing others, watching movies, etc.)
    • Rehearsing conversations
    • Forcing eye contact
    • Suppressing natural responses (such as stimming or talking about a special interest)

    How to know of you are masking:

    • You feel very tired and drained after social interactions
    • You often find yourself practicing or rehearsing what you’re going to say in advance
    • You frequently copy others’ behaviors, speech patterns, or facial expressions
    • You deliberately stop yourself from stimming or other behaviors that feel natural to you in public settings
    • You feel like you can’t be your true self around others and constantly adjust your behavior to meet social expectations

    Research shows that autistic women are significantly more likely to engage in masking. While this can help them “blend in,” it comes at a cost:

    • Exhaustion and burnout
    • Loss of identity and feeling confused about who you truly are
    • Increased mental health difficulties, such as anxiety, stress, depression or low self-esteem

    Many women report feeling like they are “performing” rather than being themselves.

    Why are women underdiagnosed?

    1. Diagnostic criteria are based on male presentations

    Most autism research has historically focused on boys. As a result:

    • Diagnostic tools, such as the adult autism quotient (AQ) may miss female presentations
    • Clinicians may look for “male-typical” traits

    This creates a systemic bias in assessment, making it more difficult for women to access the understanding, treatment or accommodations they may need.

    2. Social expectations play a role

    From a young age, girls are often socialized to be polite, emotionally aware and focus on social relationships. Because of this, autistic girls may learn to compensate earlier and more effectively.

    They may also be:

    • Seen as shy , quiet or withdrawn (or a pleasure to have in class by teachers)
    • Overlooked as ‘functioning well’ when they withdraw or struggle with internalizing disorders, such as anxiety

    3. Different social experiences

    Research suggests that while autistic boys are more often overtly rejected, autistic girls are more often overlooked or socially excluded in subtle ways that they may not even recognize themselves as rejection.

    Girls tend to have more social contacts, but these relationships can be:

    • Less stable (switching friends or friend groups often)
    • More superficial (casual friendships instead of deep emotional connections)
    • Take more effort to maintain (they may find socializing very exhausting)

    Why this matters

    When autism in women goes unrecognized, it can lead to:

    • Late diagnosis (often in adulthood)
    • Misdiagnosis (e.g., anxiety, borderline personality disorder)
    • Lack of appropriate support or accommodations
    • Long-term mental health struggles
    • A constant feeling that something is off, but being unable to place it

    For many women, receiving an autism diagnosis later in life can be both validating and overwhelming, finally making sense of years of feeling different. This can also be a pathway to increased understanding and coping for both herself and her loved ones, and becoming able to access supports and accommodations at university or work.

    Towards a more inclusive understanding of autism

    Autism is not one single presentation, and understanding gender differences helps us:

    • Recognize more diverse presentations
    • Reduce diagnostic bias
    • Provide better and more tailored support
    • And perhaps most importantly: help people feel seen and understood.

    There is a lot of nuance in this topic, especially since I have not covered intersex, agender, non-binary or transgender people.

    However, if you are a woman, AFAB person, or someone who was raised as a woman, and you feel you have:

    • Difficulties with social interactions – difficulties making friends, superficial relationships, etc.
    • Difficulties with communication – trouble understanding language, jokes or sarcasm, taking things literally, etc.
    • Sensory issues – overstimulation, increased sensitivity to certain sensory inputs, or conversely, sensory seeking (such as spinning around), etc.
    • Emotional overwhelm – emotional meltdowns or shutdowns, overreactions to minor changes, etc.
    • Intense interests and repetitive behaviors or rituals
    • Coping mechanisms that include masking or performing

    It might be useful to investigate this further, and seek help from a professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist.

    References

    Bargiela, S., Steward, R., & Mandy, W. (2016). The experiences of late-diagnosed autistic women

    Baron-Cohen, S. et al. (2015). Prenatal testosterone and autistic traits

    Hull, L. et al. (2017, 2020). Camouflaging in autism

    Lai, M. C. et al. (2015, 2017). Sex/gender differences in autism

    Loomes, R. et al. (2017). Male-to-female ratio in autism

    Robinson, E. B. et al. (2013). Female protective effect

    Sedgewick, F. et al. (2016). Social relationships in autistic girls

  • The Avoidance-Anxiety Cycle

    The Avoidance-Anxiety Cycle

    When something makes us anxious, the instinctual reaction is often to avoid the feared stimulus. This is very common: who among us hasn’t procrastinated a big task, put off making phone calls or having a difficult conversation with a friend?

    We can distinguish between different types of avoidance:

    • Behavioral avoidance – avoiding certain places, people, things or tasks. Example: avoiding the dog park if you are afraid of dogs
    • Cognitive avoidance – actively suppressing or distracting yourself from distressing thoughts or memories. Example: avoiding a memory of being attacked by a dog
    • Emotional avoidance – Suppressing or distracting yourself from intense, unwanted emotions, or trying to feel a different emotion instead. Example: Getting on your phone the moment you see a dog

    Avoidance plays a huge role in many psychological disorders:

    • Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) – avoiding both external reminders, such as places, smells or people, and internal reminders, such as memories, thoughts or feelings associated with the traumatic event.
    • Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) – avoiding situations that trigger obsessions or compulsions (behavioral avoidance), or avoiding obsessions by performing compulsions
    • Depression – avoiding social situations and activities, which further reinforces low mood
    • Specific phobias – avoiding situations where you could be faced with the trigger (such as avoiding dogs)
    • Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) – avoiding any feared situations or stimuli
    • Social anxiety disorder – avoiding social situations

    In this blog post, I will explain how avoidance maintains and worsens anxiety, and give you tips on how to break out of the cycle.

    What is the avoidance-anxiety cycle?

    Anxiety is your body’s way of protecting you from danger, when the brain senses threat. In dangerous situation, this is great, as it gets you to move away from the danger. However, this system is too often activated by normal, everyday things that don’t actually pose a threat. And when you then avoid the thing you fear, you run the risk of entering into this vicious cycle:

    The cycle typically looks like this:

    1. Trigger – something causes anxiety
    2. Anxiety increases – you feel fear, your thoughts are racing and you have a physical response
    3. Avoidance – you leave the situation, cancel the plan, procrastinate a task or distract yourself
    4. Short-term relief – anxiety decreases as the ‘threat’ is gone.
    5. Long-term reinforcement – Your brain learns that avoidance works. Next time, you may feel anxious faster, and the distress is stronger.

    Why avoidance increases anxiety

    1. The fear never gets disconfirmed – if you always avoid something that makes you anxious, your brain never learns that the situation might actually be manageable. Example: You don’t learn that some digs are very friendly
    2. Your brain learns that avoidance = safety – when your anxiety goes down after avoiding, your brains sees it as proof that avoidance kept you safe, and starts to rely on avoidance as a primary coping strategy. So, if you avoided the dog, your brain thinks that’s what prevented an attack
    3. Life gets smaller – as avoidance grows, you start to restrict your life (stop going to social events, delay important tasks, etc.). Over time, this leads to even more stress, lower confidence in yourself and increased social isolation, which further fuels anxiety.

    Signs you might be stuck in the anxiety-avoidance cycle:

    • Chronic procrastination
    • Frequently canceling plans at the last minute
    • Over-preparing to avoid mistakes
    • Needing to constantly stay busy to avoid distressing thoughts or feelings
    • Constantly distracting yourself with screens or work
    • Avoiding your thoughts, memories or feelings

    You may feel frustrated at yourself for these patterns, not realizing that avoidance has served as a protection from intense feelings.

    How therapy can help

    One of the most effective treatments for anxiety is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT focuses on understanding how thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and physical sensations influence each other.

    In the avoidance–anxiety cycle, therapy often focuses on two main areas: changing unhelpful thinking patterns and gradually reducing avoidance through exposure.

    Step 1 – Understanding the anxiety/avoidance pattern

    A therapist can help you identify:

    • The situations that trigger anxiety
    • The thoughts and feelings that appear in these moments
    • How your body reacts physically
    • What you usually do to cope (avoidance, distraction, etc.)

    Using social anxiety as an example:

    • Situation – meeting new people
    • Thought – “Everyone will think I’m weird”
    • Feeling – fear, uncertainty
    • Physical reaction – Tension in the shoulders, shaking
    • Coping – cancelling plans
    • Short-term consequence – relief from anxiety
    • Long-term consequence – anxiety about social situations gets worse, leading to an unsatisfying social life

    Understanding this pattern can help you predict and manage your anxiety better.

    Step 2 – Challenging anxious thoughts

    Anxiety often involves catastrophizing, and CBT can help challenge these catastrophic thoughts using a technique called cognitive restructuring, using questions like:

    • What evidence supports this thought?
    • What evidence contradicts this thought?
    • What might a more balanced realistic thought be?

    Using social anxiety again as an example:

    The anxious thought: “If I stumble on my words, everyone will think I’m weird”, might become a more balanced thought: “Most people stumble on their words sometimes, and it’s not as noticeable to others as it is to me”.

    Step 3 – Gradual exposure to feared situations

    An integral part of CBT for anxiety includes exposure, which involves gradually and intentionally facing situations that cause anxiety, rather than avoiding them.

    The goal is not to get rid of the anxiety immediately, but instead helping the brain learn the following:

    1. The feared situation is often less dangerous than it predicts
    2. You are capable of handling the anxiety when it comes up

    Exposure usually takes place step by step, using an exposure hierarchy. For someone with social anxiety, it might look like:

    1. Making small talk with a service worker
    2. Attending a small gathering for 20 minutes
    3. Speaking in a meeting when you usually stay silent
    4. Giving a presentation of 10 minutes

    Each step allows you to build confidence to face even more challenging situations.

    Step 4 – Learning that anxiety naturally decreases

    One important discovery during exposure work is that anxiety rises and falls naturally over time. When people stay in a feared situation long enough, they often notice that the anxiety eventually decreases, even without escaping or avoiding.

    This process is called habituation, and it teaches the brain that the situation is survivable. Over time, the fear response becomes weaker.

    Step 5 – Building confidence through doing (experience)

    The biggest change does not happen in the therapy room, but it comes through new experiences.

    Instead of learning: “Avoidance is the way I can cope with anxiety”, you can learn that:

    • “I can tolerate discomfort”
    • “I can handle difficult or scary situations”
    • “My fears are not always warranted or accurate”

    Here, a therapist might teach you techniques from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to help you accept your anxiety, and techniques from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to help you move through difficult feelings and sensations, such as urge surfing and other distress tolerance methods.

    It is of course entirely possible for you to try to go through these steps on your own, if you don’t have access to therapy, but if you find you are struggling, staring therapy can be a great way to get support and guidance as you work on breaking the avoidance-anxiety cycle.

    References

    Lehrbach, K. R., et al. (2023). Anxiety sensitivity and experiential avoidance: Relations with anxiety severity and treatment outcomes.

    Mowrer, O. H. (1947). On the dual nature of learning: A reinterpretation of conditioning and problem-solving.

    Hofmann, S. G., et al. (2012). The efficacy of cognitive behavioral therapy: A review of meta-analyses.

    Gloe, L. M., et al. (2026). Effects of exposure therapy versus CBT on avoidance and impairment in childhood anxiety.

  • How to work with your brain (not against it)

    How to work with your brain (not against it)

    “You just need to try harder. Focus better. Be more motivated”.

    Discipline, effort, pushing through, doing whatever it takes. How many of us have constantly been surrounded by these types of messages, and how many of us talk to ourselves that way? With self-improvement culture and the “lock-in” mentality on the rise (especially on social media), it can feel incredibly frustrating when ‘just trying harder’ seems to not bring you any closer to your goals, and definitely nowhere near happiness or satisfaction. This rings especially true for those of us who are neurodivergent (ADHD and/or autism), and/or dealing with mental illness such as depression or anxiety.

    This blog post aims to help you collaborate with your brain to help you reach your goals as sustainably as possible, be it related to work or study, or healthy living. I will explain the mechanisms of the brain, how to take these into account, and touch upon individual differences, and how to optimize to what works for you, not for your neighbor or colleague.

    What you need to know about the brain

    1. It is predictive

    One of the key insights from modern neuroscience is that the brain works primarily as a prediction machine. Rather than waiting for input and then reacting, the brain constantly generates predictions about what will happen next, based on past experience.

    Why this matters:

    • When your brain anticipates danger (e.g., social rejection), you feel anxiety before a real threat is present.
    • If your history tells your brain that a goal is overwhelming, risky, or likely to fail, it will generate resistance, even if you consciously want the outcome.

    How to work with this:

    To change the prediction, generate opportunities for your brain to get instant feedback:

    • Break down big tasks into small, actionable steps
    • Focus on actions that are within your control, not outcomes you can’t influence

    2. The brain favors familiarity and safety

    Brains are wired for efficiency and safety, so your goals compete with existing patterns. Neural pathways that fire often are easier to activate than new ones, even if they lead to distress. This is related to neural plasticity. It works both ways: repeated patterns become stronger with use, new patterns need repeated, consistent practice to form.

    This is why:

    • Change feels uncomfortable, and new habits are hard to adopt.
    • Relapse into old habits (think: smoking, self-criticism, avoidance) is common.
    • We may stay in relationships, careers or other situations even when they are clearly not working for us, or even actively harming us.
    • Negative thinking patterns feel permanent, because they’re well-practiced

    How to work with this:

    Attach new goals to existing routines, the less ‘novel’ a goal feels, the easier it will be to implement:

    • Stack new behaviors onto existing habits (‘habit stacking’). This could mean combining brushing your teeth with flossing, for example.
    • Keep the structure similar even if the content is new – this could mean keeping your general daily routine the same, but changing up the tasks.
    • Remind yourself that it will become easier and easier as you keep at it.

    3. Willpower is a limited resource

    The popular belief that change is all about willpower is at odds with what science tells us about self-regulation. Willpower is finite resource that gets depleted under stress, fatigue, and strong emotions.

    This explains why:

    • Goals that only rely on self-control tend to fail as stress inevitably increases.
    • Motivation is hard to fine if you lack sleep or adequate nutrition.
    • Decisions feel harder after a long day.

    How to work with it:

    Design your environment, systems and routines that reduce the need to make decisions:

    • Reduce friction for habits you want to implement (for example, setting out your workout clothes the night before)
    • Increase friction for habits you want to reduce (for example, by uninstalling apps that impair your focus)
    • Automate reminders and planning where possible

    Individual differences

    What is even more important than following any generalized advice, is figuring out, and implementing, what works best for you. No two brains are exactly the same, and figuring out ways to tweak and customize is going to be a lot more effective than trying to fit some kind of mold.

    When your brain works differently than the ‘default’

    A major way people end up working against their brains is through internalized shame, which is the belief that something is wrong with them because their natural rhythms, needs, or capacities don’t align with what society rewards.

    A clear example of this is chronotype: whether you are naturally a morning person or an evening person.

    Research shows that chronotype is largely biologically determined, influenced by genetics, circadian rhythm regulation, and age. Yet modern society strongly favors early schedules: early workdays, early school start times, productivity culture framed around mornings. As a result, evening-oriented people are often labelled as lazy, undisciplined, or unmotivated, even if they actually just do their best work at different times.

    Neurodivergence – accommodating to the brain you have

    If you have ADHD or autism, ‘working against the brain’ may look like forcing neurotypical standards of productivity, emotion regulation or focus.

    Examples include:

    • Expecting sustained attention without any breaks
    • Ignoring sensory overload or sensitivity
    • Using rigid routines that don’t account for differences in energy levels throughout the day

    How to work with this:

    1. Educate and identify

    The first step is to educate yourself on your own neurodivergence: find resources online, consult with an expert, or take a look at some scientific research.

    Then, try keeping track of your energy and productivity levels. Rather than asking ‘why am I like this’, ask yourself: ‘what conditions do I need to help my brain function better?’

    2. Build routines

    Based on what you learned about yourself, create predictable daily routines, while avoiding rigid templates that can make you feel stuck.

    • Establish consistent schedules and plan either for the day or week ahead. See if you can find a consistent sleep, exercise and nutrition schedule as well.
    • Make use of time blocking techniques – group similar activities, build ‘buffer time’ between tasks, make visual systems.

    Additional tips:

    •  Make use of external supports: reminders, calendars, to-do lists, timers, body doubling, etc.
    • Allow yourself to move around or stim as needed
    • Reduce sensory overload by using noise cancelling headphones, going to a quieter environment, etc.

    3. Focus on lifestyle habits

    When your body gets what it needs, it becomes much easier to work towards your goals.

    Get enough sleep, and work with your natural circadian rhythm, where possible. Try to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day.

    Nourish your body with a varied diet, learn what foods help you focus when, and time your carbohydrate, protein and caffeine consumption accordingly.

    Get enough exercise – physical activity is a natural dopamine regulation, which is the neurotransmitter you need for higher motivation and productivity.

    Plan rest and stress management – this could be taking walks, mindfulness or meditation.

    How I apply this in my own life:

    Habit stacking – For example, if I already get up to do my dishes, I try to add another task, such as folding laundry. I find that easier than siting back down, and then having to get up to fold the laundry again.

    Working with my circadian rhythm – I am an evening-type, so I don’t schedule any work before 10am, and try to use my ‘high-productivity window’ to plan my most challenging work. I also try to keep my sleep schedule as consistent as I can.

    Writing everything down – when I have a lot to do, I know my brain can’t hold it all, so I write down all my tasks, creative ideas, or grocery shopping lists.

    Utilizing to-do lists – weekly and monthly – I keep two to-do lists on my phone, where it’s easily accessible, to avoid getting overwhelmed. My weekly to-do list includes high-priority tasks with closer deadlines, and my monthly to-do list helps me keep track of more longer-term projects.

    Keeping my calendar updated and organized – I love my Google calendar, and I make sure it’s well-organized and color coded with different categories. I put down all my work tasks, therapy sessions or meetings, as well as social gatherings and workouts. This way, I know exactly what my week is going to look like ahead of time.

    Planning and preparing my meals in advance – I often have a hard time with coming up with something to make on short notice, so I make sure I either know what I am going to cook, or meal prep in advance if I know I won’t have time on certain days.

    Starting my day with the task I am most likely to put off – as I know willpower fades throughout the day, I try to capitalize on the moment it’s the highest, which for me is at the beginning of the day. For me, phone calls can be difficult, and if I get it out of the way first thing in the day, I then have a lot more brainpower to focus on other tasks.

    10-minute rule – I have to try for 10 minutes, and if it still feels impossible, I post-pone the task.

    Using blocker apps + do not disturb mode – I have all my social media blocked, and my phone on do not disturb when I need to focus, which usually is during the day. In the evening, when it’s time to rest, I have any apps I need for work blocked or closed, ensuring my stress levels come down.

    Note: I am a major planner, so having routines and structures helps me tremendously. For some, planning so much in advance can feel paralyzing, so it’s really about using trial and error to figure out what is most optimal for you.

    In summary, working with your brain means:

    • Focusing on what you can control
    • Designing goals the generate feedback
    • Reducing reliance on willpower
    • Figuring out what works for you, and adjusting/accommodating accordingly
    • Avoiding shaming or criticizing yourself

    It can feel overwhelming to try to figure this out on your own, and seeking therapy can be a great way to figure out what works, and how to make it stick.

    References

    Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment.

    Clark, A. (2013). Whatever next? Predictive brains, situated agents, and the future of cognitive science.

    Yuste, R., & Church, G. (2014). The new century of the brain.

    Treadway, M. T., & Zald, D. H. (2011). Reconsidering anhedonia in depression: lessons from translational neuroscience

    Ratey, J. J. (2008). Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain

    Baumeister, R. F., et al. (1998). Ego depletion: Is the active self a limited resource?

    Robertson, C. E., & Baron-Cohen, S. (2017). Sensory perception in autism

  • The Holistic Approach to Mental Health

    The Holistic Approach to Mental Health

    What is holistic therapy?

    A holistic approach to mental health, in simple terms, means taking all aspects of the person’s lives into account by addressing health as an interconnected system of thoughts, emotions, biology, and social, physical, spiritual and cultural environment. In practice, this means promoting overall wellness and focusing on prevention, rather than treating a single symptom in isolation, viewing it is a complex and multifaceted phenomenon that rarely has a single cause.

    A common myth is that holistic therapy is somehow “less scientific.” In reality, holistic therapy can (and should!) use evidence-based treatments.

    The biopsychosocial model

    The foundations of true holistic therapy lie in the biopsychosocial model of mental health, which posits that mental health is shaped by an interaction between three domains:

    1. Biological factors – this includes genetics, physical health, sleep, nutrition, exercise, medication, substance use, brain chemistry, hormones. If you are in pain, sleep deprived, haven’t eaten a vegetable or gone at least on a short walk in days, it’s difficult to feel positive emotions or connect with friends.
    2. Psychological factors – this is your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, coping styles, core beliefs, trauma history, stress management. If your stress level is sky-high, mood is low and thoughts are racing, it can be difficult to sleep, eat or otherwise take care of your physical health, and to socialize with others.
    3. Social factors – this includes your relationships, identity, religion or spirituality, community, discrimination/marginalization, socioeconomic status, work/study environment. If you can’t meet your basic financial needs, experience discrimination in your community, have a toxic work environment or are fighting with a close friend, it becomes very difficult to promote your physical or psychological health.

    Instead of asking: “What’s wrong with you”?, we want to ask “What happened to you, and what is happening to you now to cause your symptoms?”

    Take someone with anxiety, for example. Their symptoms might be influenced by biological factors such as a genetic predisposition (biological), perfectionistic thinking (psychological), and high pressure at work (social). Holistic therapy aims to address all of these.

    Let’s now take a look at how holistic therapy can address these different factors.

    Psychological factors

    Starting with the obvious, therapy is of course best suited to address psychological factors contributing to the symptoms. Therapy can help with modifying unhelpful thoughts, regulating intense emotions, as well as challenging negative core beliefs, treating symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, and learning new coping and stress management skills.

    Think: therapeutic approaches such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, schema therapy and EMDR. But, a holistic approach may also integrate yoga, breathwork, mindfulness practices here.

    Biological factors

    A holistic approach also aims to address changeable biological factors. In therapy, this takes place mainly in the form of helping clients make lifestyle changes: improving their sleep, nutrition and exercise habits, and reducing or regulating substance use. These factors are not to be underestimated: the impact of a healthy lifestyle on our mental health is massive, and this is why it is important to address these factors in therapy as much as possible.

    Sometimes, it’s easy to make these changes, but other times, it can be very challenging. For example, Problems with sleep may require intervention, such a CBT-insomnia, or in some cases, medication. Exercise can also be very difficult to start if you are suffering from depression, so it might be that some other factors may have to be addressed first. Therefore, medication belongs to this category as well, and can be a very important part of a holistic treatment approach in many different situations.

    Social factors

    Therapy cannot change your immediate environment, but it can help you make useful changes. For example, you can learn to set boundaries with others, learn social skills to help you integrate into your community, and practice conflict resolution skills to help manage your close relationships and improve your work environment.

    Bringing it all together

    Let’s return to our example of anxiety. A holistic treatment plan for this case might include the following:

    • Cognitive-behavioral therapy
    • Exercise programme
    • Sleep education and training
    • Reducing workload where possible
    • Medication
    • Breathing exercises and other coping skills

    Ideally, of course, treatment would take place in a multidisciplinary team that would include a psychologist, psychiatrist, personal trainer and nutritionist, who all collaborate to get the best possible treatment outcome. In practice, this is unfortunately rarely possible, and this is why it’s so important for a therapist to address the person as a whole, and make appropriate referrals or recommendations to other practitioners where relevant.

    Collaboration

    Another significant aspect of holistic therapy is that the client is an active participant in their own treatment. Together, the therapist and client will:

    • Set values-based and realistic goals for therapy
    • Adjust approaches in the process based on what is or isn’t working: this is where ongoing feedback is so important!
    • Revisit goals or expectations as life circumstances change

    Honesty from both parties is paramount: the client is responsible for doing their part of the work and communicating what works, as the therapist is responsible for using evidence-based practices, adjusting based on client needs, and ending therapy and referring out if they feel unable to help sufficiently.

    Therapy can’t fix everything

    An important tenet of holistic practice is also the understanding that therapy is not a miracle solution, and in some cases, might even be counterproductive. Therapy cannot, among other things:

    • Remove systemic stressors like housing insecurity, financial stress, visa issues, or discrimination
    • Replace medical care when it’s needed
    • Undo burn-out caused by ongoing overwork
    • Compensate for lack of community or social support

    It is also important to keep in mind that as it is now, therapy is a privilege that not everyone can afford. Barriers such as long waiting lists, lack of providers, lack of insurance and high costs of private therapists are not to be understated. Additionally, disability, neurodivergence, unsafe home environments or stigma can serve as significant accessibility concerns as well. Therapists can, and should aim to address these barriers, for example, by using needs-based pricing and working to improve the accessibility to improve their physical and online spaces. However, that does not address all these barriers.

    How to practice holistic care on your own

    1. Think in systems

    This means moving away from single-cause explanations for your symptoms. Instead of focusing only on what you are feeling, try to reflect what might be contributing to it across different domains. Even if there is a main cause, exploring contributing factors can still make a difference, especially if the main cause cannot be eliminated or changed.

    You might ask, for example:

    • Have there been any changes to my sleeping patterns?
    • Have I been more isolated from friends and family?
    • Am I in more pain than usual?
    • Am I using substances more frequently?

    Once you’ve identified changes or potential contributing factors, it’s time to get honest with yourself and see what you can work on. For example, you might not be able to improve your sleep times due to night shift work, but what you can do is improve your sleeping conditions, and use bright light therapy to help your circadian rhythm adjust. Similarly, you might be able to reduce alcohol consumption.

    2. Address lifestyle factors

    Mental health is inextricably linked to sleep, physical activity, nutrition and substance use. However, from a holistic lens, it’s important to avoid perfectionism or developing rigid rules: trying to optimize your entire life can actually lead to increased stress, obsessive and inflexible thinking, and shame and self-punishment when you ‘fail’ (e.g., don’t meet your steps goal for the week). Something is always better than nothing!

    Rather than aiming for optimal habits, try asking yourself?

    • Under current circumstances, what can I realistically change?
    • What feels like it’s having the most impact right now?

    When making lifestyle changes, it’s also important to go slow. Pick one habit at a time, and slowly build from there to avoid becoming overwhelmed.

    3. Build psychological skills

    There are many skills and tools you can use on your own to help increase self-awareness and notice your patterns. For example:

    • Journaling – this can mean simply writing about your day, stream-of-consciousness/emotional dumping type writing, gratitude journaling, or following specific prompts.
    • Practicing self-compassion
    • Focusing on emotion regulation skills

    4. Prioritize social connection

    Social factors are among the strongest predictors in positive mental health outcomes. With loneliness and lack of community on the rise, holistic self-care includes intentionally seeking out belonging and connection.

    This means making plans with friends and loved ones, seeking out community and third spaces where possible, and setting boundaries with people and spaces that consistently make you feel unsafe or unworthy. It means sharing what’s on your mind, allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your people, and allowing them to be vulnerable with you.

    This also means (without abandoning yourself) showing up for others when you’d rather be doing something else, and sometimes putting yourself in situations that can at first feel a little uncomfortable or scary.

    Self-care might not be enough (or it might feel too difficult), and this is where seeking therapy can be very beneficial.

    So, what does holistic therapy really mean?

    In practice, it looks like:

    • Seeing you as whole person, not as a diagnosis or symptom
    • Combining traditional forms of therapy with a variety of other interventions and practices
    • Personalizing treatment to each individual
    • Focusing on improving overall quality of life and wellbeing
    • Working together to find solutions

    If you’re curious about holistic, evidence-based therapy in Leiden, reaching out to a licensed psychologist can be a great idea.

    References

    Bolton, D. (2023). A revitalized biopsychosocial model: core theory, research paradigms, and clinical implications

    Bourke, M., et al. (2025). Clusters of healthy lifestyle behaviours are associated with symptoms of depression, anxiety, and psychological distress: A systematic review and meta-analysis of observational studies

    Chen, W.-J. (2016). Frequent exercise: A healthy habit or a behavioural addiction?

    Harandi, T. F., et al., (2017). The correlation of social support with mental health: A meta-analysis

    Patterson, E. H., et al. (2025). Public psychology and holistic approaches to prevention and treatment of depression

  • AI in Mental Health

    AI in Mental Health

    If you’ve ever used ChatGPT or a similar AI language model as a pseudo-therapist, you’re not alone. In fact, its one of the most common uses for AI today, as it can offer comfort and even companionship and an increasingly lonely world. For many, it has real benefits, but research suggests it also carries significant risks, especially when it comes to more complex mental health issues.

    What are the benefits? What can it do better than a human therapist?

    • Fosters positive emotions – always validating and empathetic
    • Memory – bots don’t forget, and can easily access information from previous sessions
    • Accessibility – free, available 24/7 instantly, doesn’t get bored, tired or distracted
    • Non-judgmental – many find it easier to reveal their secrets to a chatbot, instead of taking a chance that another person may judge them
    • Knowledge base – they know everything about everything, and can provide great psychoeducation and any resources the user may need

    What can it help with?

    • Structuring your thoughts – AI can help you make a framework for your thoughts and give structure to what you would like to say, for example, in a conflict situation. Plus, writing it out is a great way to process in any case.
    • Providing psychoeducation – if you need simple information about mental health or psychological disorders such as anxiety or depression, it can be a great starting point, or if you want to learn about specific therapeutic approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, schema therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, internal family systems therapy, etc.
    • Offering coping skills – if you need specific coping skills to help you in a period of stress, AI can suggest some great options, just remember to take what you need and leave the rest.
    • Offering structured exercises and journaling prompts – do you want to journal but feel uninspired? Or maybe you’re looking for a connection-building exercise to do with your partner?

    Though these benefits are undeniable, keep in mind that if you do choose to use AI for the abovementioned tasks, remember its limitations, and proceed with caution.

    How can it hurt?

    Lack of the ‘human’ skills needed for therapy

    Across decades of psychotherapy research, one factor consistently predicts positive outcomes more than any specific technique: the therapeutic relationship, which is fundamentally a human social relationship. A psychologist can read body language, notice emotional shifts, offer empathy, and, importantly, know when to challenge instead of simply validate you.

    AI models are there to make money, and therefore are designed to keep you satisfied and engaged, causing an inability to provide criticism, which is a crucial part of therapy.

    Stigma and bias

    AI chatbots across the board show increased stigma for conditions such as alcohol dependence and schizophrenia. This is equally true for more complex and newer models, so simply ‘more data’ is not the solution here. Additionally, since AI systems are trained on human feedback, they often reflect the dominant demographic, therefore lacking understanding of nuanced experiences related to gender, sexuality, race, culture, neurodivergence or socioeconomic background. And while it is true that humans are biased in this way too, they have the potential to adapt based on lived clinical experience.

    Privacy and ethics

    These conversations are not protected by confidentiality like therapy sessions are, and your data may be collected for training bots and marketing, as well as other unauthorized use, identity theft, and scamming. There is also a lack of quality control, clinical oversight or meaningful external regulation.

    Dependence

    The 24/7 availability and validating nature can cause addiction and social isolation: since real human contact is often messy and imperfect, an AI companion can offer a security blanket. With loneliness already on the rise, this a real risk. This sort of on-demand emotional validation can also undermine resilience and autonomy, especially if you already have anxiety or low self-esteem.

    When does it become truly dangerous?

    Enabling distorted thinking

    Chatbots don’t deal well with chaotic and unpredictable situations, which is where human intuition has a great advantage. When it comes to complex mental health conditions, such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, psychosis, suicidality, self-harm, eating disorders, antisocial and aggressive impulses or delusions, engaging with AI can have devastating effects.

    The chatbots’ tendency to always validate may cause it to reinforce dangerous or delusional thinking, and encourage the user to act on their impulses. Even for those with milder issues, AI can encourage fallacies like catastrophizing or minimizing, instead of gently correcting them, as a therapist would.

    Crisis situations

    Since AI cannot assess whether the user’s view of reality is accurate, it might, for example, give a suicidal person detailed information on the highest buildings in their area, or encourage a frustrated teenager to cut their parents off. AI can’t know when one might need a higher level of care, or when to call emergency services. And the consequences can be catastrophic.

    So, ultimately, what’s the role of AI in mental healthcare?

    Like it or not, AI is here to stay, but it should be treated as a substitute, not a replacement for therapy, by therapists and clients alike. It can help you reflect, organize your thoughts, and bridge the gap where the human therapist is unavailable. However, as it stands today, it cannot and should not act as a primary provider, especially in high-risk situations.

    If you are struggling, be it with anxiety, depression, burn-out, identity questions, relationships, or feeling disconnected, speaking to a licensed psychologist remains the safest and most effective option. Technology may support mental health, but healing still happens in relationship.

    References

    Jesudason, D., Bacchi, & Bastiampillai, T. (2025). Artificial intelligence (AI) in psychotherapy: A challenging frontier

    Kuhail, M. A., et al. (2025). Human-Human vs Human-AI Therapy: An Empirical Study

    Moore, J., et al. (2025). Expressing stigma and inappropriate responses prevents LLMs from safely replacing mental health providers

    Olawade, D. B. (2024). Enhancing mental health with Artificial Intelligence: Current trends and future prospects

  • Asking for What You Need

    Asking for What You Need

    We all have different needs, and in an ideal world, we would get them met with ease, and feel no shame in accommodating ourselves. However, many of us have learned that having needs=being needy, from experiences in childhood with our caregivers, at school with teachers and peers, or from our first romantic relationships. This is especially true for neurodivergent people, and even more so if they were only diagnosed later in life.

    I am going to start with a personal anecdote – I recently was on vacation in a busy city, and while I was very happy to be there, I found myself getting quite overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people and noise that surrounded us. This is not news – I know I don’t deal well with noise and normally use noise-cancelling headphones when alone in these kinds of situations. However, since I was with a group of friends, I resisted getting them, for fear of seeming rude, antisocial, and even weak. However, as time went on, I found myself becoming more and more silent (and therefore, actually running the risk of seeming rude or antisocial!) as I got more and more overwhelmed. At some point, I decided to just wear the headphones, and it made my experience SO much better, and I was able to be present for my friends way better as well. But this got me thinking, why was it so difficult for me to make use of an accommodation that I know I need, with people who care about me and my wellbeing?

    The answer? Shame. And I want here to focus specifically on neurodivergent people.

    From a young age, many neurodivergent people are praised for “coping well” or “managing without help.” Over time, this creates deep shame around needing support at all (internalized ableism). And so you pretend you don’t need it. Psychologists call this masking—suppressing or compensating for neurodivergent traits to avoid social stigma. Masking is often protective, but it’s also exhausting. And when we hide our needs too long, burnout can follow.

    Therefore, asking for accommodations can feel risky, as you may fear that they are seen as special treatment, or you may be seen as lazy, difficult, or weak. However, let’s try to reframe accommodations as tools for access and self-knowledge, rather than privilege or special treatment.

    Here are a few examples:

    For ADHD: using noise-cancelling headphones, breaking tasks into smaller steps, or requesting clear written instructions.

    For autistic people: asking for predictable routines, avoiding sensory overload, or clarifying social expectations.

    In social life: asking friends to text instead of call, meeting in quieter places, or giving yourself permission to leave early.

    And here are a few practical tips:

    1. Name your needs clearly, even if just to yourself. Awareness is the first step to communication.
    2. Notice when you’re being too harsh on yourself and ask yourself: “Who’s standards am I trying to meet?”
    3. Practice asking for help in a safe environment – this could be with a specific person, such as a partner or close friend, or even in therapy.
    4. Start small – ask for one small accommodation and go from there.
    5. Connect with others – either online or in-person, seek out connection and community with other neurodivergent people. This will not only provide you with support, but also helps normalize asking for help. You can also brainstorm ways of asking for help with others.

    If you struggle with this, therapy can also help you identify the roots of shame and learn to treat your needs as legitimate. Several evidence-based approaches can be particularly effective:

    • Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) helps soften self-criticism and reframe shame as a universal human emotion rather than a personal flaw (Gilbert, 2010).
    • Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) focuses on living according to your values—even when fear or shame shows up (Hayes et al., 2012).
    • Internal Family Systems (IFS) or Schema Therapy can help uncover the “parts” of you that feel undeserving, lazy, or afraid of burdening others, and bring compassion to them.

    Therapy also provides a practice ground for asking for accommodations—a space to explore what it feels like to express needs without fear of judgement.

    In short, asking for what you need is not a weakness, even if it feels that way at first. Reasonable accommodations can help you enjoy your life a lot more and avoid burn-out, and it’s worth learning effective communication about your needs!

    References

    Botha, M., & Frost, D. (2020). Autistic masking and the double empathy problem: Mental health and authenticity. Autism in Adulthood.

    Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society.

    Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion Focused Therapy: Distinctive Features. Routledge.

    Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change. Guilford Press.

  • Self-Objectification – How Seeing Ourselves Through Other’s Eyes Harms Mental Health

    Self-Objectification – How Seeing Ourselves Through Other’s Eyes Harms Mental Health

    If you’ve ever felt ashamed of your body, you are not alone. Body image issues are not just personal struggles, they are rooted in larger cultural systems. Shame is a powerful emotion – and a tool for social control – if we’re too busy being ashamed of ourselves, how can we show up for others

    Objectification is the act of treating a person primarily as a sexual object, rather than as an individual with a rich inner world. Unfortunately, being objectified in our patriarchal society is a universal problem, especially among women, AFAB and female-presenting individuals. It is also worth noting that body shame is more common in queer than in straight and cisgender men. Objectification experiences include sexually suggestive comments, harassment, catcalling, assault and exposure to hyper-sexualized images and messages online. Take, for example, the young girl being sent home from school because their clothes are seen as ‘too revealing’, effectively reducing her access to education that day.

    Self-objectification is the act of internalizing these ideas – seeing yourself (and your body) as something to be harshly judged and evaluated. This often begins already in early childhood, without us even noticing. And before you know it, you’re 21 years old and constantly monitoring your body, exercise and food intake – and comparing yourself to others, in real life and online.

    How does self-objectification harm us?

    Of course, you can think of the usual suspects – body shame, sexual problems, disordered eating or eating disorders and constant comparison with others, which may also lead to symptoms of depression and anxiety, and difficulty taking part in social activities, such as dinners out, or maybe an inability to deviate from a strict workout regime to join a friend’s birthday party.

    However, its effects can be even more insidious. There is research suggesting that increased levels of self-objectification may lead to worse performance on math tests, reduced assertiveness in communication, and even decreased likelihood of political activism. Therefore, being objectified, and internalizing this not only makes you feel unhappy as an individual, but can also hamper social change!

    Resisting objectification and learning to make peace with your body is therefore a form of activism, especially if you belong to a minority group.

    How can we help ourselves and each other?

    1. Avoid participating in the objectification of others yourself. Do not make comments about others’ bodies. Notice when judgement comes up.
    2. Try to also not talk negatively about your own body. This has been shown to breed insecurity in both yourself and your conversation partner.
    3. Notice your internalized objectification. Challenge and reframe your thoughts.
    4. Practice setting form boundaries and assertiveness – speak up against objectifying or negative body comments (when it’s safe to do so, of course!). Gently call out your friends or family.
    5. Limit media exposure. Especially in the age of social media, it is very easy to constantly get exposed to unhealthy beauty standards and sexualized content. Of course, we can’t completely prevent this, but try to notice when certain content is not serving you, and unfollow or mute the account.
    6. Seek therapy if you’re having a hard time navigating this on your own – it can be very challenging!

    How therapy can help

    Unlearning deep-seated beliefs can be very challenging, especially if you have to do it alone. A therapist can help you notice self-objectification and give you techniques to combat it. For example, you can learn to use cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques to challenge and reframe your thoughts about your body. Schema therapy helps you identify deep-rooted beliefs about yourself, and work towards not only seeing where they come from, but neutralizing them as well. In addition, you can work on self-compassion and learn to set boundaries with others.

    Self-objectification is not a personal or moral failing – it’s learned. And unlearning it can give you so much more freedom, peace and energy to demand change.

    References

    Butler (1990). Gender Trouble, Feminism and the Subversion of Identity.

    Fredrickson et al. (1998). That swimsuit becomes you: Sex differences in self-objectification, restrained eating, and math performance.

    Schaefer et al. (2018). Self-objectification, body shame, and disordered eating: Testing a core mediational model of objectification theory among White, Black, and Hispanic women.

  • Get into awe

    Get into awe

    Feeling stuck, disconnected, depressed? Unsure what you want from life, unfulfilled, but don’t know what to do about it?

    Let me ask you this: have you ever felt a sense of completeness, fulfilment or peace standing while looking at a beautiful sunset or at a concert, completely mesmerized by the sense of community along with the music you grew up with? Then, you have experienced awe. Awe as am emotion arises when we encounter something vast or ‘beyond us’ – think nature, collective gatherings, music, art, spiritual experiences, birth or death, or psychedelic experiences, for example. Awe makes you stop, wonder, and forget about yourself and your daily routine or annoyance for a second, and helps you see the bigger picture.

    There is research out there suggesting that experiencing awe can increase both our mental and physical wellbeing.

    A study by Monroy & Keltner (2022) proposed five pathways to how this works:

    1. Physiological changes – in simple terms, awe reduces the activation of our sympathetic nervous system (this means your fight or flight response), increases the production of oxytocin (the love hormone) and reduces signs of inflammation in the body.
    2. Reduced focus on yourself – feeling like you’re a part of something bigger rather then focusing on your imperfections
    3. Increase in prosocial behaviour – this means increased generosity and helping others, which make you feel much better, too!
    4. Increased feeling of connection with others – and this common humanity increases our empathy and helps us connect with our social environment.
    5. Increased sense of purpose or meaning in life – again, seeing the bigger picture!

    Awe experiences thus reduce anxiety, depression and stress – and promote optimism, resilience and a sense of connection and meaning in life – the antidote to disconnection! Additionally, a reduction in physical stress can lead to improved cardiovascular health and longevity.

    Of course, these experiences can be rare, especially in our fast-paced society – who’s got the time to slow down and really take in our surroundings? Well, I say – make time. For your own good, and for your loved ones and society at large.

    But how?

    1. Seek out awe experiences, big and small. Below is an example list of things to try:

    • Spend time in nature – This could mean taking a holiday, or simply going for a bike ride or walk near where you live. It can be especially powerful if you live in a big city, or where there aren’t a lot of opportunities for getting away (The Netherlands is great – but we do have a lack of forests!)
    • Go to a concert – Either with friends or by yourself, the experience of listening to your favorite music alongside others who feel the same way, can make you feel more connected to humanity, almost like a trance-like state.
    • Watch the sunrise or sunset on a beach – While this may require either getting up very early or going to bed late. the payoff is great.
    • Look at the starts and constellations at night – For night owls, or if you can’t sleep, this can help you feel more connected to the universe, and see yourself as just one amazing part of it.
    • Attend an art installation – Creativity elicits awe, and it might even awaken your own desire to create!
    • Listen to music loudly at night – Bonus points if it’s while you’re walking alone (as long as it’s safe, of course), or dancing in your room
    • Share, or listen to stories of great human achievement or kindness – With so much tragedy in the world, sometimes it’s nice to tune out of that and look on the other side.

    2. Practice mindfulness and being truly present in the moment – so you don’t miss out on everyday wonders!

    Awe is course only one piece of a very complicated puzzle. Improving your mental health is not straightforward and never one-size-fits all. In addition to increasing everyday wonder, you might also want to seek therapy and learn new skills. In addition, if you are very stuck or depressed, even the most beautiful of sunsets may fail to evoke the coveted feeling of awe. However, if you can, try it. It might just improve your outlook.

    References

    Monroy, M., & Keltner, D. (2023). Awe as a Pathway to Mental and Physical Health. Perspectives in Psychological Science.

  • Social Learning (And More!)

    Social Learning (And More!)

    I am going to tell you a personal story about food and ask you to bear with me – it’s relevant, I promise!

    Growing up in post-Soviet Estonia, I had a lot of experiences that I’ve found only fellow Eastern-Europeans can relate to, but one of the more trivial things I’ve been thinking about lately is just how little I knew about food – as something other than basic sustenance. My parents, bless them, grew up in conditions of lack and therefore, among other things, got used to a diet of potatoes and plain white rice. They both worked full-time throughout my childhood and found no joy in culinary endeavors. What’s more, anything new and exciting was regarded as suspicious, or even dangerous.

    And that is how I found myself the subject of many strange looks from roommates when they watched me eat plain pasta during my studies, how I learned that a salad can actually include a dressing and need not be a simple concoction of cucumber and tomatoes. All at the ripe age of 20-25!

    What was going on here? Social learning.

    I had not been exposed to much, so I simply was unaware of what else is out there. Additionally, from a young age, I learned that any new foods are not to be trusted. So, at the start of my adult life, I followed the same principles. That, along with the fact that like my parents, I derived no joy from cooking, left me eating a pretty sad ‘white girl’ diet, devoid of any spice, splash, or joy.

    Social learning, however, also took me to the other side. I’ve had the joy of meeting people passionate about food, of meeting people from different cultures who introduced me to their cuisine, of finally learning to cook for myself. And my god, what I was missing out on! It turns out that I’m not even a picky eater in the slightest.

    I tell this story as it is a great illustrator of several important concepts in therapy, and in life. Through no fault of our own, we not only have preferences, but also biases and learned ways of behaving.

    1. Your upbringing plays an incredibly major role in who you become. In my example, the problem wasn’t just that I was not exposed to other cuisines, it was also that anything different was actively shunned. Food is quite innocuous, of course, but what if you’re shamed for how you look or how you act? What if you learn harmful behaviours, such as aggression or emotional suppression? And even further, what if you learn harmful beliefs about others in a racist, sexist or homophobic home, for example?
    2. The good news is that what’s learned can be unlearned – and if your beliefs are actively harming you, others, or groups of people, I might even argue that it is your responsibility to unlearn them. For me, it took some time, but thanks to the right social conditions (friends with culinary talent) and encouragement, I got over my fear of anything spicy or joyful. While it is true that I am still not am amazing cook, I am now willing to think outside the box. Similarly, one can unlearn
    3. For this unlearning to take place, you need to be able to get out of your comfort zone. I was fine eating plain pasta and unseasoned chicken breast. Comfortable. But seeing now, what all would I have missed out on had I not dared to try. Growth is always uncomfortable, and whether it’s adding a singular red pepper to your food (scandalous!) or unlearning deep-seated beliefs about yourself and the world, it’s always worth it.

    I am going to leave you with a well-known example.

    Steve has learned to hide his emotions and always seem strong from an early age, mostly due to societal conditioning and ideas about masculinity. He therefore, after experiencing a traumatic event, is less likely to seek therapy and views it as something that is meant for people who have ‘something wrong with them’. However, Steve meets a new group of friends during his studies, many of whom are male and go to therapy, and encourage him to do so as well. He becomes interested, and contacts a therapist. Even though he is very sceptical, he decides to give it a try for at least 4 sessions. It takes him a while to warm up, but luckily the therapist is very encouraging and takes their time, and slowly Steve finds the experience more and more helpful, and is glad he took the first step And this is exactly how different social norms and a skilled therapist helped Steve get over his fear of going to therapy, and he is now even beginning to question other societal messages of what a ‘masculine man’ should look like.

    Generation preferences, biases and trauma are deep-rooted, but can be unlearned, to great benefits. And therapy is a wonderful place to explore that, whether you’re looking to learn to eat different foods, or working though some serious problems, support is always available.